Vanity Prayer
I have to admit I’m not a great prayer. (This is a safe space, right?) In fact, I think if many of us were honest we would say that prayer is the most difficult devotional aspect of the Christian life. Maybe you can’t seem to find the time. Or maybe you can’t seem to focus for more than a few moments before the thoughts and distractions that have been crowding your overflowing mind flood over the barriers and pull you away. Or maybe you can’t quite bring yourself to believe that God really hears and answers when you call.
I’ve been in all of those places.
Recently I’ve been reading Eric Metaxas’ biography of Dietrich Bonhoeffer for a class, and found myself struck with one of Bonhoeffer’s insightful observations about prayer. On a trip to Paris as a young man he found himself celebrating mass alongside a group of prostitutes. Afterward, these were his reflections:
“It’s much easier for me to imagine a praying murderer, a praying prostitute, than a vain person praying. Nothing is so at odds with prayer as vanity.”
Those words struck me to the core and gave me a sobering insight into why prayer is such a difficult discipline for me.
Vanity.
Now, maybe you think that’s too harsh. But you have to admit that when you’re too caught up in yourself prayer can make you feel…well…weak. It’s an admission of your own powerlessness and dependence, which is never easy for a prideful person. And often it reveals things about ourselves that we’d rather not take a look at. (If it doesn’t, then you’re probably praying one of those prayers that makes you feel good at someone else’s expense, like, “Dear Lord, please help Betty. You know she’s such a terrible gossip, and I’m pretty sure she stopped tithing when that rebellious son of hers went off to art school.”)
So here’s the problem. I don’t like feeling weak. I abhor it. I immediately extricate myself from situations where I feel powerless. And dependence? Forget about it. I pride myself on being able to handle just about anything.
And there it is again: pride. How in the world do we get such an over-inflated view of ourselves? Handle just about anything? No, if there’s anything that my track record shows it’s that I have trouble remembering to empty the trash, much less handling the soul-rocking, heart-wrenching crises of life.
So this year I’m trying my prayer with a healthy serving of humility. I’m reminding myself that being completely dependent on God is the only place of true strength. And I’m looking at my history through an honest lens, instead of the rose-colored one to which I’m partial, so that perhaps God can mold me more into the image of His Son.
I hope you’ll join me in setting aside your ego long enough to declare your utter dependence on God. And if that’s just not where you are right now, it’s okay. I know how you feel. Let’s pray about it.
